SNL Sketchbook from Colin Jost’s ‘A Very Punchable Face’
Recently I read Colin Jost’s book. In his book he mentions some titles in the SNL Sketchbook section of his memoir. I ended up watching all the sketches and added some commentary from the book.
Will Ferrell’s “Goodnight Saigon” Finale
By far the most surreal part of the performance was seeing Artie Lange standing at the end, with no idea what the hell was happening or why he was suddenly a part of this sketch. As far as I know, it’s the only time he’s appeared on SNL. And when it ends, you can hear an audience member yell, “Hey, Artie!” I don’t remember ever hearing an audience member yell something on camera, before or since.
“Red Flag Perfume”
[This] was the first thing that aired after the monologue during the season premiere, and I still have the perfume bottle, which was just a Chanel №5 bottle with a RED FLAG logo taped over it.
Drunk Uncle
It’s a testament to how great a performer Bobby Moynihan is that he could say some truly awful things and still get huge laughs.
“George W. Bush Returns Cold Open”
My favourite line was about the Iraqi reporter who threw two shoes at him during a press conference: “Shoe me once, shoe’s on you. Shoe me twice…I’m keeping those shoes.”
“Can I Play That? Game Show”
You could sum up the entire sketch with this exchange between Kenan and our host, Idris Elba:
IDRIS: Isn’t that what acting is about? Becoming someone you’re not?
KENAN: Not anymore. Now it’s about becoming yourself, but with a different haircut.
“Trick-or-Treat”
I just rewatched it for the first time in ten years and the ending is a real roller coaster.
If that’s not an ending, I don’t know what is.
The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with at a Party
“There are homeless people out there who can’t even pay their mortgages.”
“People who are orphans are twice as likely to not have parents.”
“There are high school students who can’t even point out India on a map of Africa.”
“People with Ebola aren’t even sick of the Ebola. They’re sick of the hypocrity.”
Cecily is a real genius and it was pure joy to write these together.
“Diner Lobster”
Here is the header for the script we submitted in 2010 with host Zach Galifianakis:
(JOST/MULANEY)(FIRST DRAFT — March 3, 2010) 1DINER LOBSTER ~ Zach/Fred/Will/Andy/Jason/Kenan/Kristen/Bobby/Extras
And here is the one that aired in 2018:
(JOST/MULANEY) (FIRST DRAFT — APRIL 11, 2018)DINER LOBSTER ~ JOHN/KENAN/PETE/CHRIS/KATE/CECILY/LUKE/MIKEY
Stars
The first brand they talked about was Swarovski crystals and Swarovski sent them free jewellery. We thought, Whoa, we better do one about Lamborghinis next time! We did. And then we did eleven more luxury brands after that. Never got a single free thing again. You’d think Hermès would have been more grateful that we called them “Herpes.”
“Yo! Where Jackie Chan at Right Now?”
Kenan and I shared an office for eight years at the show. But “Yo! Where Jackie Chan at Right Now?” is maybe my favourite one we ever wrote together, because the entire sketch is just Kenan and Tracy Morgan asking ten different guests, “Where Jackie Chan at?”
“Bidet”
John Solomon and I went on a surf trip together to Puerto Rico and there was an old fancy hotel in Rincón called the Horned Dorset. We went to look at the rooms, which were way too expensive for us, and every bathroom had a bidet. The person showing us the rooms kept pointing out the bidet like it was the most important thing in the room and we thought, That could be a sketch…
“Brett Kavanaugh Cold Open”
Lindsay Shookus, who runs our talent department, reached out to Matt Damon around midnight and, despite the fact that he was in California and hadn’t seen a script yet, he said yes and got on a plane an hour later.
He landed in New York Saturday morning, slept for about forty-five minutes, drank one beer to get into character, and delivered an incredible performance. PJ, Squee, and Donkey Dong Doug would have been proud.
“The Real Housewives of Disney”
My favourite moments are when Jasmine confesses that she slept with Iago the parrot because it was dark and he was mimicking Aladdin’s voice; and when Snow White holds up her hand after bad-mouthing Cinderella and seven dwarf hands reach into frame to give her a high-five.
“Under-Underground Festival”
Mike O’Brien (who later created A.P. Bio) had the idea of doing a promo for a festival like Insane Clown Posse’s Gathering of the Juggalos, and at 2 A.M. on a writing night he said to me, “You want to brainstorm some acts that would appear at the festival?”
“Schoolhouse Rock Cold Open”
It was hard to write cold opens in the Obama era because he wasn’t on television every day attacking American companies or re-tweeting white supremacists. But he did use an executive order to circumvent Congress on immigration, and it seemed like “Schoolhouse Rock” was a way to make that subject a little more bearable. (With cold opens, anything that’s not a president talking at a desk is a win in my book.)
“Sean Spicer Press Conference”
The audience had no idea what was coming. It wasn’t even the cold open. It was, like, the fifth sketch in the show. Melissa walked out to the podium as the White House press secretary. The audience laughed and cheered in anticipation of a Sean Spicer send-up. Then, after a few seconds, they realised: Holy shit, that’s Melissa McCarthy under there! And there’s a whole second wave of applause and cheering.
“Election Night”
Once it became clear that Trump had won, all our previous ideas became sad garbage. And we said, “Maybe we should just try to write about how the night unfolded in real time. And then Dave Chappelle’s character can be the only one who sees it coming from a mile away.”
There was an extra line at dress rehearsal: “Who did you really think white women were going to vote for? A rich guy, or a woman who’s more successful than them?”
The audience was not ready to hear that!
Screen Test Sketches
More than anything, these are a testament to our wardrobe and hair departments. They prepared multiple looks for almost every single cast member in less than twenty-four hours. (Including a look for me as an ’80s production assistant. Probably my first appearance on camera.)
“Mom Celebrity Translator”
This was 100-percent based on my own mother, who is incapable of pronouncing the name of any celebrity. Even names like “Kate Hudson” she will find a way to butcher. (“Is it Cart Hummus?”)
The more troubling part is that my mom is a doctor and writes prescriptions and I can’t imagine she is pronouncing the names of drugs properly either. So if you need Valtrex, she might give you Viagra. And then the problem will only get worse.
“Sloths!”
Jorma, Andy, Jason, and I wrote this fever dream over the course of a week when we had nothing else going on in the show. Lorne had no idea we were working on it. Then on Saturday we said, “Hey…we got this thing about sloths…if you want to try it at dress rehearsal…” And somehow it snuck on the show.
Thank god Jorma and Andy had a microphone in their office so no one else had to hear us record lines like “Shank your mom with a pterodactyl dick bone!” or “Eat cocaine off America’s gravestone!” You know, sloth stuff.
